where should i start? what do i do?
recently, i have been really down lately. ppl ask "what's up" or "how are you" but all i can say is good or just talk about how lucky i am to have a good family and that i got into my mba schools..sigh..who wants to hear all the crap from me..LOL. so i guess i just have to let it out through my blog on my xanga..
i just feel insecure. i think no matter how strong you are, you are insecure in some ways. i am. ive been trying to be strong for so long that im falling apart now or still falling apart? lool. yesterday, i watched My Sassy Girl (American version, but Korean is better, lol) and the girl is all bitchy and mean but deep down she's insecure and trying to build herself up too...
anyway, i feel every family has problems..big, small. i know mine does. and it's not something we can just "fix" and "forget" sometimes we put it behind us until it occurs again..i dont know..i'm pretty worried about my bro. i hope he finds what he enjoys in life. he's really smart. my sis. she's a handful and drives me nuts, but i love her. my parents..well they're getting old. they can drive either nuts and drive me nuts..sometimes i wonder if they're really meant for each other..but other times, i think they do. sigh...they are the ones that make me believe in marriage and not believe in marriage. marriage is alot of work..takes alot of emotion and communication..
talking about relationship..well..i dont know why..maybe it's what happened to me the past 1.5 yr now?? i feel really needy and lots of attention. i need someone to listen and understand me. someone who is willing to put me before him....i just have to TRUST him..just like my first bf. sometimes, i wonder if it was a bad idea to breakup my first bf..he was good to me, best i'll ever have. the BEST part of him is that he ALWAYS make me feel secure and loved. i appreciate him so much more now, but why is it that i dont "love" him back..i dont know. sometimes i feel that it's because i always put a shield in the past so i never got hurt. but i accidentally forgot my shield and happened to fall for a guy who doesnt love me back...thats where it hurts..maybe that's why im going crazy and feel insecure..sigh....is this what broken heart feels like? friends say that over time, it will heal..but how long do i have to wait? i always fall and get back so quickly ..but why is it so hard when it comes to love....anyway, so my love life sucks. too much insecurities and lil trust....when i know better to be confident ..this is why i cant afford to fall in love now..or never wanted to get married. because i want to have a control over my life. i dont need to cater to anyone but myself and goals. i dont need to compromise, gahh but love feels good when i have companion..do u see where i think im going crazy??? and y am i going crazy? or is it just me??
on another note, i finally end my friendship with michelle chu. yes. the crazy girl. lol. honestly, i dont know what to say. i never wrote an email to say good-bye to someone and it feels funny to me.but i have to do it and i did. i dont know if im supposed to be proud of myself cuz right now i know im not..hm...
anyway, i have too much time on my hands and i want to make something out of myself. i doooooo. what do i do to make myself feel better? i dont know.....can someone help me? no, i have to figure it out myself and that's the hardest part..the hardest thing i have to face right now....stranded.
p.s. this is awkward, but the reason why it's "richbebe" it's obviously not to say i am "rich" but cuz my first bf, his name was "richard" and so when i was with him, i created this xanga and aim and it is for richard's baby..hahaha..i guess that has changed...lol. i know it's lame, but i look back at it, and i just cant help smiling of the good ol' times when everything in my life was simple and happy! =D
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